Things you should know when you go down on a woman
Are you a bit confused on how exactly to make your partner get off with oral sex? No worries. You’re not the only one with questions on how to properly go down on a vulva. There simply isn’t enough accurate information out there. You’ll find everything from bad fingering advice to untested ideas about using your tongue like a helicopter blade or spelling out the alphabet.
How do you know if they’re into it? How do you know what they like? What do you even do down there? As a certified sex coach and educator, I’ve heard all of these questions. The answers (and more) ahead.
1. Talk. Encouragement will get you everywhere. Let your partner know how much you like being between their legs. They need to hear it come out of your mouth (see what I did there?).
Unfortunately, most of what we hear about oral sex has to do with penises, so it’s not surprising that those of us with vaginas often have trouble allowing ourselves to be serviced and giving into pleasure. It is not something we’ve been taught to expect. As a result, we often have trouble orgasming during oral sex if we feel we are taking too long, that you don’t want to be down there, that we’re asking for too much, etc.
Tell your partner you love going down on them. Encourage them to relax and breathe into it. Let them know you’re going to be down there all night if need be and you couldn’t be more delighted. The more chill they feel, the more likely they are to get where they want to be: in Orgasmland.
While you’re down there, make some noise. This isn’t the library. They want to know you’re enjoying yourself, too.
2. Keep it consistent (and choose a steady rhythm). When in doubt, stay consistent and stay on the clitoris. The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings and the majority of those nerves are clustered in the exposed bud-like glans (the part you can see at the tippy top of the vulva).
If you’re with a new partner or aren’t feeling totally confident in your skills, pick a move and stick to it. You can try running your tongue back and forth over the clitoris, up and down, in clockwise circles, or in a figure eight motion. Whatever it is, do it until they come.
If they're not responding positively (E.G. “Yes! Just like that!”), try a different pattern.
3. Pay attention to their body. If you’re wondering if your partner is enjoying themselves, pay attention to their body. Are they moving their hips into your face? Are they moaning? Keep these things in mind. If your partner is lying on the bed like a limp starfish, perhaps you should reassess what you’re doing.
Their body will tell you much of what you need to know. If you’re still not sure if they’re liking your moves...
4. Ask for direction. Inquiring about their needs is not unsexy. It’s hot to want to please your partner. If you want to know what they like, ask. They’ll be more than happy to tell you which moves they like best. After all, we’re all here to come, right? If they’re not sure what they like, take time to explore their body and encourage them to inform you if something feels particularly good. Remember, every single vulva-owning human is different. We don’t all want the same things.
5. Try adding penetration. Penetration of a finger or toy can be awesome during oral sex, but it isn’t for everyone. What I’ve found works best of all is to ask! Some people love penetration, some prefer external stimulation only, others want a combination. Don’t be afraid to try all three types of stimulation to find what works.
If your partner isn’t sure whether they like penetration, give it a go—with their permission. Start with one finger, hooking it in a rocking horse or “come hither” motion. This will give you access to the G-spot area, behind the pubic bone.
You can give this a try first, and then add back in your mouth. Gently sliding a finger or two (or a toy—read on) in an out of the vagina while running circles over the clitoris can be highly stimulating. This does take some multitasking! If you want to try internal stimulation on its own, but aren’t sure what to do with your mouth, try talking dirty or kissing your partner’s chest and breasts.
Always remember to pay attention to your partner’s body. If you’re unsure about how it’s going, again, just ask. If they’re feeling it, you can move to two or three fingers.
6. Maybe get a toy in on the action. There are two main ways I suggest clients and readers incorporate toys into oral sex: penetration with a G-spot wand or a vibrator on the clitoris.
When using a wand for penetration, focus on the G-spot. These toys are specifically designed for this purpose, curving upward for the perfect reach. Massage the G-spot while using your tongue on the clitoris.
With a vibrator on the external glans clitoris (the part you can see!), massage in the same consistent motion you use with your tongue. You can use your mouth as well! Try penetration with the tongue or gently stimulate the very bottom of the vaginal opening. This area contains many pleasurable nerve endings.
7. Check in after sex. Once playtime is over, check in. Aftercare is an important part of any sexual experience. We have many raw emotions after sex. Talking, cuddling, and discussing everything that transpired will help get you both in the right headspace. No matter the nature of your relationship, whether casual or long-term, your partner deserves respect and to have their needs met. Everyone needs emotional care.
Ask what was working for them and what they enjoyed most. This will help you improve your skills for next time. Sexual play always includes learning and growing.
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