I’m not going to lie, talking about BDSM with a partner who hasn’t tried kinky sex of any kind in the past can be pretty awkward. There is potential for a lot of feelings when it comes to opening up your sex life to new possibilities and adventures. Luckily, I have a ton of experience in this area.
Fear and discomfort around bondage and kink typically come out of misunderstanding what BDSM is—and is not. It kind of feels like there is a “people who do kink” camp and then a “vanilla people” camp. It really isn’t this way at all. Kink is super accessible to everyone—and a lot of us have either tried it or wanted to. If you’ve been having fantasies about tying your partner up, getting spanked, being spanked, getting blindfolded, etc., that is completely normal.
If you want to get your partner involved in bringing your BDSM fantasies to life, here my expert tips for making the process less painful in the bad way and more painful in the good way.
1. Do some homework. I’m not suggesting you need to become a connoisseur of kink in order to give kink a try. What I am suggesting is that you do your research to help you understand what’s out there and to home in on what looks good to you. It will be easier to ask for what you want if you actually know what you want to try. If your partner asks, “Why does this appeal to you?” or “What do you want to do?” you should be able to provide a reasonable answer.
If you’d like some excellent resources on BDSM, listen to Tina Horn’s podcast, Why Are People Into That?, which lets you hear from real people in the kink lifestyle so you can pick up some great advice and tips. Two Knotty Boys, authors of Showing You the Ropes, will inspire anyone interested in tying up their partner or visa versa—and who want to get really good at it!
You can even take a class from people within the BDSM community who know their stuff. If you live in a major city, check out your local feminist sex shops. The Pleasure Chest and Babeland give free weekly classes on everything from kink to anal.
If you’re in a less kink-friendly area, watch a few documentaries. Turned On is available on Netflix and can give you some excellent tips for spanking, bondage, and much more. Other great options are Kink, produced by James Franco, and Beyond Vanilla. Admittedly, these last two are pretty intense, but they have the information you need.
2. Approach the conversation with empathy and a sense of collaboration. When you broach the topic of kink, do so with a lot of empathy and understanding. Be ready for many emotions. Your partner may be enthusiastic, terrified, angry, hurt, confused, turned on, excited, or a combination of these feelings.
Be ready to open up about your desires. Make the conversation focused on the two of you. Tell your partner how much it would turn you on to be spanked or have your hands tied together (or whatever it is you want). Bondage is not about physically and emotionally harming one another, it’s about a consensual exchange of power between two loving, consenting adults. Explain this element to your partner.
This conversation should be centered around the exciting, new sexual boundaries you can push together in a safe way. Honestly, this awkward chat can wind up being foreplay.
3. Discuss desires and boundaries. After you’ve broached the topic of giving bondage and kink a try, open up the dialogue to include what each of you would be open to trying. Everyone’s feelings and interests must be respected in order for this to work.
For instance, if you’re interested in spanking, are you the one who wants to be spanked or do you want to do the spanking? How does your partner feel about spanking and what role do they see themselves playing in said spanking scene?
BDSM isn’t hot unless everyone is enjoying it. It’s not about the dominant partner doing whatever they want to the submissive partner, willy nilly. It’s about both partners getting what they want out of the scene.
Figure out what your boundaries are and set limits. If you’re not OK with being slapped in the face, say so. If you don’t want to be tied up, but would like to tie your partner up, be transparent about that.
Set up a safe word. This is a word that lets your partner know that they need to stop what they’re doing and check in with you. This word should be non-sexual in nature. The idea is to give you an out to pause the scene, without totally getting out of your BDSM characters. I’d suggest something neutral and simple. Some suggestions: Risky Business, red, mixtape, blueberry—anything that works for you is totally fine.
4. Start simple and work your way up. Don’t tie your partner’s arms and legs to the bed, throw on a blindfold, and pop in a ball gag on the first go with bondage. This could result in a massive panic attack. Take it from someone whose first bondage experience was exactly that. You want to begin with simple things and work yourselves to the more advanced, should you want to.
I suggest starting by using your flat palms to give or receive spankings on the bottom. Next, try tying your or their wrists together during sex. You do not need to buy a lot of really expensive stuff to try BDSM. (If you break the bank on a leather, bespoke corset and then decide you’re really not that into bondage after all, what do you do then? You can’t exactly donate it to Goodwill, you know?)
You can actually even use all kinds of things around the house as makeshift BDSM gear. A wooden kitchen spoon is excellent for spanking. Use a cotton t-shirt as a blindfold and a necktie or pair of stockings to make handcuffs. You can have a lot of fun with the things you already have.
5. Review the experience with your partner and plan for next time. See how you feel about it and discuss your feelings after the fact. I suggest taking some time to cuddle and relax before chatting. Just be sure you don’t go to bed without connecting. It’s important to check in and assess your emotions before, during, and after BDSM of any kind.
If you want to do BDSM play again, talk about it. Figure out what worked for you, what didn’t work for you, and maybe even what really turned you off. If you didn’t like the play at all, be open about this. It’s OK to not want to try it again and it’s OK to want to try the play in a different way. Stay open minded, but never do something just to please a partner. All sex should be fun, even when it stings a little (wink wink).
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